Accepting Imperfection
October 31, 2009
Doozie was supposed to come into season so that her puppies would be available in the autumn, and that is what I advertised as a “planned litter” on my website. But, Mother Nature did not intend for that to happen. As weeks went by while I was waiting on her estrus, I came to realize that a trip we have planned in December (a very rare opportunity for us to get away - the last time was 4 years ago) might actually mean that I would have to hold off breeding her this year. I did not want to leave baby puppies in the care of the two lovely women who are planning to come and care for my dogs while we are away. It was enough to ask them to tend to my adult dogs.
I disappointed a family in Colorado who had hoped to get their Boon x Doozie puppy when their youngest went off to school in the fall when I informed them that, depending upon the timing, I did not see a breeding as possible. That made me very sad.
Then, Doozie came into season. I checked the calendar and realized that the puppies would be between six and seven weeks old when we were away on our trip, which is a perfect time for “strangers” to care for them, as they would be weaned from their mother, but would do well to play with new humans in their lives. So, I chose to do the breeding. As time went on, Doozie did not display the typical behavioral or physical changes that come with impending motherhood. When her pups would have been six weeks old gestationally, so no longer at risk of radiation, I had my vet x-ray her. Doozie was not pregnant. I had never had that happen before, especially since she and Switch bred several times under my supervision and everything seemed quite normal. At that time, I had received three deposits on the litter and had two others who were asked to hold-off until the litter was born so that I could assure there were enough males to go around. I felt that I had, again, disappointed people who put their faith in me to produce their next, beloved family member.
During the same timeframe, Belle (Doozie’s mother) came into season two months early. She and Wags actually had puppies at the same time in May 2008, and were on the same schedule. I was so focused on breeding Doozie, and all the males were so interested in Doozie, that I did not catch Belle’s season. That is, until, she found her way through a fence and visited with the boys. I did not witness a breeding, but I could tell that she was in heat, and it was the only reason she would have put so much effort into finding her way through what always had been a secure barrier. So, I assumed (well, hope is the better word) that I found her before anything happened and then managed her so that she was not able to “sneak away for a rendezvous”, again.
Belle began showing the typical signs of pregnancy and I was so disappointed. Although I am someone who usually can make a decision (and a good one) fairly quickly, I was sick to my stomach about the situation. At the time, I was still assuming Doozie would whelp a beautiful litter the last week of October. I could not ask my friends to care for two litters of puppies, nor did I want to have two litters at the same time (I have done it and it is terribly challenging). I saw only the awfulness and the imperfection in the situation. Frankly, I ignored the state of affairs to the best of my ability so as not to become overly emotional about it. I am proud of my breeding practices. I could see only the bad in the circumstance. Even after Doozie was proclaimed barren, I could not bring myself to addressing Belle’s bastards.
A few days before her puppies were due, I discussed the options with Robert. I only explained the negatives because that is all on which I seemed to be able to focus. She had visited with Sage, Boon and Switch (my only intact males) and there was no telling who was the father. If it were Sage, then there was a chance for 25% of the puppies to be affected with CEA, since Belle and Sage are both carriers. Mostly, it was “unplanned” and for some reason, that was so controlling of my thought that I actually offered the option of “offing” the whole litter at birth to resolve it, once and for all. When I suggested that option, Robert said, “that is what we should do”. It seemed clean and clear and reasonable at the time. I submitted to the thought and considered it the best alternative. Hundreds of years ago, people who created the unique breeds we enjoy today had to cull those that did not meet their standards. It is just part of the pain of being an ethical breeder. That is what I told myself to accept the decision.
I set up a whelping pen in my office because, even though I had detached myself emotionally from the puppies, Belle deserved to whelp in a quiet, comfortable place under my watch and assistance. I had also made certain that she was appropriately nourished because, of course, the puppies always get what they want and the bitch’s body gives it freely. Then, I waited.
On October 27th, starting around 4:00 PM, Belle’s fairly quick labor turned into a litter of eight beautiful puppies. I cried as each one came into the world. I found a bottle of Seagram’s Seven and dusted it off (we have a glass of wine on occasion, but I knew the bottle of hard liquor was in a kitchen cabinet and I used it to drown my sorrow for what was going to happen because of my mistake and lack of diligent control). I mixed the whiskey with the only thing we had; diet Cherry Dr. Pepper. I numbed myself and then I discussed the situation with my husband, who had departed quickly when I first informed him that Belle was in labor. That was quite contrary to his typical behavior when I assist in a whelping.
“Years ago, back when I was living in Chicago, my friend’s dog had an unplanned litter. The sire and dam were half siblings that she had acquired from a very good breeder. The breeder told her that she could keep one puppy for the sake of the mother, but she must have the rest of the litter euthanized”, I started to explain to Robert. “I don’t think it is good for a puppy to grow up alone. So, I was wondering if, for Belle’s sake, we might keep just two puppies.” I was crying as I spoke. Earlier, as I had been sitting next to Belle while she experienced the pain and then joy of giving birth, each time I took a pup just to check the gender, she would get up and track the puppy and I would tell her that I promised to give it right back to her. She was such a concerned and dedicated mother. Then, I told Robert that I could not address the issue any further until the morning. I was emotionally spent.
In the morning, when I let Belle out to relieve herself, I sat with the puppies and held each one. They were perfection. There was nothing wrong with them. They were precious little miracles. I felt no differently about them than I did about any other puppies I had experienced the honor of raising. There was a slight difference with these puppies. When I typically have a litter, there are people who have already made the decision to claim responsibility for the little babies' lives who will be bathed with the unconditional love that dogs splash upon us every day. So, I think of the puppies as babes that I foster until they are ready to go to the people who are destined to adore them. In that regard, I think that I attend to puppies as if I am caring for someone else’s child (perhaps with even more diligence than I would my own). With these puppies I was actually free of that sentiment. No one knew they even existed. And, for some odd reason, I considered them limitless in opportunity and so very free of any predetermined path in life.
Robert then told me that, while it seemed to provide us some type of comfort to keep two puppies “for Belle’s sake”, it became clear that neither he nor I had the right to choose which puppies to save. He informed me that he could no long agree to our original plan, or any other plan to retain just a subset of the litter.
I came to realize that what had once seemed to be an overwhelming challenge to explain and resolve would not be so much trouble. DNA test kits for Belle, Sage, Boon and Switch and the eight puppies have been ordered. They are on the way. If Sage is the sire of any of the puppies, I will take those to have a CERF eye exam to rule out CEA. If Sage is not the sire, then there is no concern, since Boon and Switch are both normal and there would be no chance for the puppies to be affected. All four adults have OFA Good for hips. And, although I would never have bred Sage to Belle because of the CEA status, a few years ago, before the DNA test existed, it would have been common practice to breed two CERF clear dogs together and then have all the puppies eyes tested at six weeks old to assure the pup's status. Every breeder took that risk every time they bred a litter, including myself. We did the best we could do with the technology of the time. Many breeders today, actually, do not spend the money for the CEA DNA test and continue to take that risk when breeding their dogs.
“There is nothing wrong with these puppies”, I told Robert the day after they were born. Regardless of who their father is, they are probably better bred than well over 75% of the Border Collies born every year. Their parents are all working dogs that have proven their ability to perform the job they were designed to do. They have sound minds and bodies. They have great temperaments. I would have considered doing any of the breedings based on pedigree, too. The pups should have a great work ethic, lovely disposition and should be structurally sound. There is no reason that these puppies do not deserve the same chance to offer the devotion and love to someone for many years to come than any other litter we have had. I simply had to surrender to my own imperfections to see it. It took eight little bits of perfection to help me accomplish that.